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The Safe Highway Of Sexless Statues

August 24, 2008

Roadside statues of obviously male animals are often rendered as if nature didn’t expect them to reproduce. We had imagined that this was mere American modesty, but recent reports hints that other forces are at play. Perhaps rarity has something to do with it, but there’s evidently something about an oversized public package that’s just too tempting for people with paint.

The gonads of Albert, the World’s Largest Bull, have been targeted repeatedly over the years. Now comes news, buried near the bottom of an entertainment column in the Kansas City Star, that the sex organs of Trigger the horse are under similar assault.

Trigger stands on his hind legs outside the Roy Rogers-Dale Evans Museum in Branson, Missouri, and his private parts have been repeatedly highlighted. The grandson-in-law of Roy Rogers voices his frustration in the Star: “…if they can get to it, they will. And you really can’t electrify it or anything; you’d be asking for a lawsuit.”

Electrocution-by-vandalism probably isn’t the answer to the problem, but, still, when this kind of trouble comes to squeaky-clean Branson, you know that civilization’s collapse isn’t far behind. Short of breaking out the chisels and neutering these studly statues, perhaps the owners of Trigger and Albert will eventually have to enclose their naughty bits in protective cages — although that approach doesn’t seem to have worked with other public body parts.

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