Oldest Man with Own Teeth, No Cavities
Frank Medina, King of the Windmills, attributes his top choppers to a lifetime eating hard bread and beans, part of an overall regime in which he "worked for a dollar a day, grammar school education, but you don't have to go to college or any no god-damn place if you got anything upstairs. I figure if that guys got enough to buy a dinner, I'm gonna make enough to make a sandwich." Or at least more hard bread and beans.
It turns out that his marvelous molars have never made Frank the money he thinks they should have. He once tried to interest Madison Avenue know-it-alls in his talents as a spokesmodel.
"Pepsodent toothpaste that I used since I'se six years old. No cavities. The only address that I had was New York City. I wanted to see if I could make some money, see some big money. They thought they were talking to a dummy out here, I guess, like they say 'Don't call us we'll call you.' Well, it made me mad. So I wrote 'em another letter. They knew damn well when I started cussing and going on that they weren't talking to a dummy out here.
"I says I'll advertise for you, and I'll give them the open mouth treatment. I would stand up grinning like your actors who I know they've got cavities. Maybe I shouldn't say that, but they didn't deny it. And I come to find out -- what do you suppose I found out -- that idiot had false teeth! Now if that ain't a crooked, crooked, no good way of advertising. The man had false teeth. Standing there, grinning there, with his false teeth. If that ain't a crock of shit, I don't know what is."