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Roadside News: August 13, 2009

Crab jump.Motorcycles to Hell: Last year the World’s Largest Creationist Crab in Blanchester, Ohio, was jumped by a born-again motorcycle daredevil on Labor Day weekend. The stunt ended as the motorcycle crashed though a fire wall, representing The Burning Gates of Hell. This year, the fun-loving church that owns the crab plans to upstage its previous event — by having two motorcycles perform the stunt simultaneously. According to the Akron Beacon Journal, “The pair will soar through the air, smashing through a burning inferno in the first ever double motorcycle firewall stunt.” The soaring and smashing will take place on Saturday, September 5.

The Real First US President: After centuries of neglect, John Hanson is finally getting the attention that he deserves. “Hanson was the first president in the United States,” declares the News-Post in Hanson’s home town of Frederick, Maryland, and the city reportedly plans to spend $100,000 to erect a “larger than life” statue of him next year. A crusade to recognize Hanson has been spearheaded for decades by this man in Ohio, who is not mentioned in the Maryland article, and who would agree that he is also not getting the attention that he deserves.

Not Quite Nirvana Monument: Dead Nirvana front man Kurt Cobain was recently remembered on a privately-funded granite marker in his home town of Aberdeen, Washington. Unfortunately, the memorial included a naughty word (from one of Cobain’s lyrics). This caused a fuss, and so Aberdeen City Councilwoman Kathy Hoder took it upon herself to have the last three letters of the word sandblasted out. “I just went and got it fixed,” she told the Aberdeen Daily World.

Dungeon Master Immortal: The widow of dead Dungeons and Dragons co-creator Gary Gygax wants to erect a statue of Gary in his home town of Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. Perhaps mindful of the Kurt Cobain controversy, she told the Janesville Gazette that the statue is “going to be very tasteful,” and that D&D “was more than a game; it was life.” We hope that the statue will look something like this, or that it at least will take some style cues from the statue of Lake Geneva’s other hometown hero, Andy Gump.

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