Talking Rocks Caverns

Reeds Spring, Missouri

First, before you get your hopes up: There are no longer any talking rocks in Talking Rocks Caverns. Not even rocks that are vocally-assisted with the aid of tape loops, wireless headsets, and hidden loudspeakers.

The "talking" today is meant metaphorically -- as in the rocks "talking" to you because they're so evocative and striking. This lofty use of what should be straightforward tourist attraction language is a recent invention; the Caverns' discoverer originally named it Fairy Cave, and the rocks really did talk until moisture in the cave shorted out its audio system.

An abridged, cartoon mural of the cave's history can be found in the gift shop along a narrow ceiling overhang. Talking Rocks Caverns is supposed to feature impressive columns and draperies and flowstone, but we had to skip the tour because we had to make it back to Branson in time for a musical magic pet show (which we didn't).

The manager on duty at Talking Rocks Caverns told us that there used to be a thunderclap and light show as part of the underground tour: a "booming voice told the Story of the Stone." But it scared the kids so much -- just look at the horror in that cartoon mural -- that it was discontinued.