Wax Museums exhibit a desperate ingenuity when they arrange unlikely combinations of otherwise dull historical figures. The Hall of Unelected Presidents at the National Presidential Wax Museum, Keystone, SD, groups together Oval Office appointees -- from Millard Fillmore to Gerald Ford.

A historical perspective awaits at: - Salem Witch Dungeon - Sitting Bull's Graves - Daniel Boone's Bones - Custer Battlefield Museum - Jesse James Didn't Die! - Great Blacks in Wax Museum - Titan Missile Museum - US Army Ordnance Museum - Heartland Museum of Military Vehicles - Museum of the Fur Trade - Iwo Jima Survivors Memorial Park - National Museum of Naval Aviation - National Museum of Funeral History - Georgia Rural Telephone Museum - Mormon Handcart Tragedy Bathtub of the Battleship Maine

Lewis and Clark tribute #847, Hysham, Montana

Let's be frank -- you don't need f-u-n to spell history. Historical attractions are the last thing most of us want to see when we hit the road. But why must this be so? If we can put mango into iced tea, can't we put fun into our National Heritage?

Many have tried, and the junkyards of tourism are littered with history attractions that failed. Some thought they could trick us by creating "Living History" -- but if the idea of dipping candles is dull, then watching someone do it live isn't a big improvement.

No. We shy away from history for the same reason we avoid newspaper editorials and public television. If it doesn't sing, wiggle or explode, who cares?

Happily, compared to other parts of the world, America doesn't have a lot of history. Pity the poor folks in Europe; they can't move without tripping over some dusty relic or grave. Even if they wanted to pep things up by building a Children's Crusade Goofy Golf or a Diet of Worms Water Slide, they'd have to get permission from some Pope or Queen or Kaiser. Fat chance.

America has acreage and plenty of building materials, and that lets us make history that at least looks good on a postcard.

Do you want to blast cartoon characters into a rock commemorating a gruesome Indian massacre? Go right ahead! Do you want to immortalize your great-granduncle, the Chinese Noodle King, by building a giant replica of his first pot? Feel free! Why not build a Goofy Golf or a water slide while- you're at it?

Presidents in portholes, National Presidential Wax Museum, Keystone, South Dakota.

Successful vacation entrepreneurs know that they must pep up what little history we do have, and their work is commendable. Wax dummies drip blood and give us insight into the lost art of torture. Bombs and rocketry bring back memories of wars we've fought in someone else's back yard. Wild West tourist towns stage live hangings and regularly succumb to exciting, mysterious fires -- just as the real places once did.

History is what we decide it should be, and it should be as loud, fast and wiggly as possible.